Past 6 Weeks

You ever wonder how much more you can take, day by day?  When is this roller coaster going to stop??  Come this Friday, I will be 6 weeks free of Mike.  As I stated in my first post, I was laid off work in February due to an extreme shortage of work in my field.  I dont think anyone can imagine what is feels like staying in that home with him and enduring his abuse, knowing you have no where to go.  I have kids, no job and not enough money from Unemployment Insurance to support myself and my children on my own.  I own a vehicle that costs an overwhelming amount and deduct that from my so called income and I am screwed.

The first time I left Mike I stayed with a friend for 6 weeks in their spare room.  Although I am extremely grateful to her and her family and the situation worked out well during that time, when I got "sucked" back in by Mike, she refused to support me in any way.  Not even an ear to bend.  Mike won again.  As a result, I was isolated from my friends.  Many of my other friends took her side.  Even when I left Mike the second time, none of them were here to support me emotionally.  They all told me I was looking through Rose Colored Glasses and its too late.  They want no part of it.  They dont realize just how manipulative the N is.  God, I was so in love with that man.  I am to this day.  He owns my heart whether I like it or not.  But, it doesnt mean he is going to have it anymore to play games with.  He lost that right.

An old friend of mine told me No Contact = No Interest.  This couldnt be more truthful!!!  I learned after my separation from Mike the first time the games he played with my head and my heart.  Every email, phone call, text message I felt the need to respond.  Sometimes his emails were sweet, loving, apologetic, full acceptance and blame.  Others were harsh, nasty, judgemental and accusatory.  I watched as he played the victim on Facebook, he had everyone convinced I left him for another man.  In anger, I lashed out at him on Facebook, publically.  I constantly felt this need to defend myself through all his lies he was telling everyone.  I hated that my character was being attacked and that people believed him.  Some people supported us both, others split their support.  I learned who my friends were and who liked the drama.  Im embarassed how that separation went down and so publically.

I knew this separation had to be different from the first.  First thing is I refused to play games this time.  He had already taken me for everything, financially, emotionally, mentally, physically.  I became a shell of the person I was.  I had no energy left in me.  He sucked me free and clear of anything.  I was exhausted in every way.  This time I decided it wasnt going to be so public.  I wasnt going to tell the world who he is.  What good what it do.  I also knew that once I was gone, I couldnt have any contact with him if I was going to survive this.  I grabbed my last remaining friends, family and booked a truck and storage room a few days in advance.  I waited till he left for work that morning and rolled up in the truck 30 minutes later.  We were packed and out of the house within 2 hours!!  Again, I left him kindly with 50% of the furniture.  This time, I knew I was going to embarass him not once but twice and the fear was so severe, I thought he would hunt me down and destroy me.  I had prepared the day before a simple email to send to him once I was free and clear of the house.  I sent it to him clearly stating I gave you a second chance, you chose to ruin it.  Im done. Do not contact me again.  Needless to say, my cell phone he hooked up for me was cancelled within the hour.  I deleted him from Facebook immediately so he couldnt post anything on my site.  I stayed at my friends home that night.  Mike didnt know where she lived.  I knew I would be safe for that night.  But then what?

Well, each morning the week before I left I called a Crisis Hotline for Abused Women.  I cried every morning to a woman named Jenny, begging her for confirmation this is the life I was enduring, that I wasnt crazy. I went back to my old therapist, she confirmed the results of his Mental Evaluation were Borderline Personality Disorder and Narcissistic Personality Disorder.  A Sociopath!!!  She was horrified to learn that I had fallen back into the trap and once again returned to the house with my children and was panicked to get me out.  Even offered for me to stay with her for a few nights.  She fought hard to make me find the strength to get out, call my kids father to make arrangements for them, find a spot to live.  The day after I left a bed opened up at a shelter west of my city.  I immediately jumped on it and was adamant that I not be dependent on any of my friends.  I lost my best friends the last time as a result, I wasnt going to risk my friendship with the girl who helped me twice and never denied support when needed.  I respected her far too much.

Mike immediately started emailing me.  Just seeing his name set off anxiety and panic attacks.  I hated to see his words, what he was thinking, feeling.  Part of me was strong and realized that none of it was real.  His words would have lacked empathy, meaning.  It would all be lies.  Ive been down this road and it tore at my heart the first time I left him.  I now had to realize I couldnt think about what he thinks or feels.  I now had to put me first.  No more putting his needs first.  I couldnt even think about my own feelings, never mind his.  My great friend agreed to read his emails on my behalf.  She wouldnt tell me what he said, simply deleted them.  If there was anything of urgency or need she informed me of what was to be done and she made the necessary arrangements.  What a friend eh??!!  I cant thank her enough for this, she put her ass on the line for me.  Anyway, it did honestly bug me what his emails said but I used that to fuel my own drive to keep moving forward, no contact.  I refused to read his emails, let alone respond back.  I realized this is what N's do.  They need their supply.  Narcissistic Supply to be exact.  If I responded to any of his emails, I was giving him his supply.  He would know that he still has control of me.  Just me responding, in any manner, gave him that rush of supply.  Sad isnt it?

When my friend finally told him my emails were being monitored and if he had any further questions to contact her, he found other ways to get in front of me.  He started emailing my mother, my other friends and family telling them how worried he was about me having no job, how was I going to support the kids.  He jumped from blaming me to coddling me to my mother and friends.  Thankfully, these people were my true friends and family and refused to play his game with him, sometimes his emails were read to me.  It destroyed me and again made me want to defend myself!!  He then found other email addresses for me and emailed me regularly on there.  I had to find my own strength and start deleting them without reading them.  How much longer can I depend on my friend to delete a simple message.  I needed to take my own control back.  He then somehow found out my new cell number!!!  Phone calls at 5am under Unknown Number, text messages daily.  He was making sure all messages were coming in front of me and tugging at my head and heart.  Sadly, I found the strength to read them and this actually gave me strength.  I started reading between the lines and was amazed at how much I was clueing into the games, the lies.  I was quite proud of myself.  AGAIN, I stuck to my no contact rule.  Not once did I contact or respond to his demands or accusations.

He found a mutual friend who would fish for information and would feed him everything off my Facebook.  I couldnt figure out for the life of me how he was getting info that he was using to text me.  It didnt take long till I baited this so called woman and within minutes he texted me and she was busted.  Why?  What purpose did it serve.  But I had to realize that once again the master manipulator convinced her I was the problem.  She was a rat, not a friend.  Since this time I blocked her and I have had no further info getting to Mike that he has suggested.  For whatever reason I typed in Mike's name on Facebook and was stunned to see that I can see everything on his page??!!  How is that possible??  Mike had his privacy locked up like Fort Knox. Not that he was ever really posting anything.  So I asked a non mutual friend to type in his name and sure enough his Facebook privacy setting was no longer private but very public.  WOW, what a ton of information on his site now.  He is dad of the year!!!  He has added god knows how many women to his friends list that he has met through dating or god knows what and they are fueling his N supply perfectly!!  All these women are doting on this amazing dad of the year.  He cracks jokes, shows his charm to perfection and these women are lapping it up and commenting and he is teasing them in return.  The next cycle begins.  He is seeking his next victim.

His last victim was Beth.  Beth was his supply during our first seperation.  She moved to Alberta once Mike and I got back together.  He had her convinced I was the monster and I left him with nothing for another man.  She made a point of screaming at me, calling me names, angry that I came back.  Beth had just left an abusive relationship!!!  She was perfect victim for a Narcissist.  She was fighting strong again, had a ton of anger in her and was fueled by rage.  Everything he needs to fuel his supply.  Little does she know I saved her ass.  Sadly, this woman once again is debating returning to this province to pick up her relationship wtih Mike!  What I find funny is Mike's facebook profile is open to the public for a reason.  The intent is to ensure that I see his page, get hurt at all these women contacting him, calling him sexy, watching him flirt, missing his kids and all the things we did with them, watching Beth fall all over him online.  I know the game. Its only a game.  Its feeding his ego to know I am hurting from it all.  I refuse to give him the satisfaction that it still hurt, regardless of knowing its a game.  Knowing what it is, doesnt make it any easier.

I showed up at the shelter, terrified.  Crying uncontrollably.  How can my life had come down to this?  I had a beautiful home, great job, man who I was madly in love with, yet I still couldnt admit I was being abused by the Master of Manipulators!!!  ME??  How did I fall, not once, but twice??!!!  I was so ashamed, embarassed, terrified what my next step would be.  Angry at myself for putting my kids back into that environment.  Now here I was jobless, homeless and moving into an abused womens shelter with a bunch of strangers.

Shelter living is not for everyone.  I was shocked to see how many women came and went in this place.  Women who were physically abused, mentally, sexually.  Women of all ages, some ranging from 16, one was 75!!  Women who have just left a spouse, or who have been running time and time again from the same partner.  Or women who run from one abuser straight to another.  This is what they are used to.  Over time some man left them with no self esteem.  Abusers are all they know.  They truly think they love their men and their men love them.  I heard stories that were horrifying.  Further, so many of them were conned by none other than a Narcissist.  I still couldnt believed that I belonged in this place, but without a job, I had no where to go.  Every day for the first 2 weeks, I cried daily to the staff at the shelter.  Each day was harder and harder to sleep.  I went to my doctor who put me on an anti-depressant.  I was terrified to get addicted so I refused to take it.  Worse, the stress got so severe that I had a horrible knot in between my shoulder blades that had locked up my shoulders and neck.  Headaches and fevers were constant.  It took 3 doctors to finally clue in it wasnt the flu.

I missed my kids horribly.  They have been staying with their dad full time since I left Mike.  My youngest loved coming to visit me at the shelter on weekends and we made the best of it.  My oldest wasnt comfortable so I never forced him.  Sadly due to government funding, the shelter only allows you a maximum of 6 weeks to stay.  6 weeks??!!  I needed to find a decent paying job, and find an apartment in 6 weeks.  having a timeline on your head and no job interviews is horrible.  Each day without a job was another day closer to become homeless.  What am I going to do, where am I going to go?  I applied for Geared to Income Housing in my area.  I was accepted for urgent status.  Great right???  Only problem is urgent status equals 2 years wait!!!  Unbelievable.  There is not enough GTI housing.  Now I could have and did in fact get accepted for a city that was 3 cities away from where my children go to school.  Remember, I share physically custody of my kids.  They must remain local, if I move out of area, I am responsible for driving them to and from school every day.  Well, now I was literally looking at a 1.5 hour drive each way daily.  can you imagine the gas??  Again, even with GTI, I would have been paying close to market rent with gas, food and bills.  It was pointless.

As my timeline approached, I knew I had to make a decision.  It was not an easy one, but one I can live with for now.  I have temporarily (im shocked too) moved in with my ex-husband, the father of my children. He was kind enough to open his home to me so I can be with the kids.  I cook, clean and help with them and he has freedom to come and go.  Its a win win for us both.  Temporarily.  We live in seperate rooms and try to be respectful of eachothers space and the kids are our focus.  I am desperately seeking that job so I can get my own apartment.  But this is the best for now.  Either this or live out of my very expensive van.  One day at a time only.  But I am with my kids and that means more to me than anything.  Not to mention I am free of his daily abuse and each day im stronger as a result of everything I have learned.

The Perfect Husband

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m2ajnBFzzmY

This movie is excellent.  It clearly shows how manipulative they are and how confused you get over time.

Ending the Relationship with a Narcissist

The Beginning of the End..From Lady of a Truck Blog.....

Years ago I had a friend who was in a violent relationship and try as I might to understand why she stayed I could not get my head around it. I thought I would never allow any man to treat me like that. Never say never!!

Frog Analogy

Ironically, in true narcissist fashion he actually gave me this analogy as a way of explaining why HE stayed with ME so long and it was the catalyst to me finally accepting this man was toxic and if I was to ever be happy I had to eliminate him from my life. Here it is:

If you throw a frog in a pot of boiling water he will jump right out
But if you put the frog in a pot of tepid water he would be quite comfortable and stay.
If you slowly increase the heat under the pot of water his body temperature will slowly increase also; he doesn’t realize he is being cooked alive and dies.

A person often fails to see exactly how bad the state of the relationship really is until substantial damage has been done. This happens because at first the relationship is perfect, the N is agreeable, even tempered, and helpful and the woman can do no wrong, they are able to discuss anything and come to a resolution. Then out of the blue the N will go into a rage about something he thinks the woman is doing or thinking that is totally untrue. The woman is baffled, caught off guard and immediately tries to resolve the problem. It is obviously just a misunderstanding, she tries to discuss the issue, but all of a sudden the N is totally unreasonable. No matter what she tries there is no resolving the matter and she is to blame. The N probably withdraws from her in anger and she is left wondering what happened, any attempts to discuss it result in another fight so she drops it. That night she goes to bed wondering what she did to make him so angry and he comes to bed long after she’s fallen asleep, he pulls her on top of him and they have sex and he holds her tight. She is relieved, he still loves her, all is well, and he must have just had a bad day. The next morning everything seems back to normal although she feels tension in the air and a knot in her stomach but dismisses it. Little does she know the roller coaster ride has started and she didn’t even buy a ticket.

When things start to get crazy and you start doubting your sanity the best advice I can give you is to start a daily journal and also keep track of finances. The N will lie, deny and twist events in an attempt to make you feel you are going crazy and to put up smoke screens covering his trail, a journal will help you keep events straight. After a while with my N there was so much conflict, so many incidents of infidelity, so many lies so many fits of rage I couldn’t keep them all straight and some simply got forgotten in the confusion. If he can keep you off balance, defensive and confused you are less likely to catch him at whatever he is doing and its easier for him to make you act crazy and believe that maybe you are going insane.

N’s use ending the relationship as part of their control tactics, if you don’t do what they want when they want it done they will threaten to end the relationship; if you actually want to leave him he will go to almost any length to prevent it from happening so you are wise to do it without him knowing. The N has probably made it all but impossible for you to leave, they control the money, have probably made sure you no longer have a support system by alienating your friendships and family relations, quite possibly you don’t have reliable transportation and that isn’t taking into account the damage they have done to your self confidence.

If you can, hide money and build a support system for when you leave, but I mean HIDE it, don’t tell him in hopes he will back off because he knows you can leave if he pushes you. If he knows you have money and a means to leave he will become that sweet, loving and agreeable guy you remember, until your guard is down and he can manipulate you into giving him the money. You have to remember you are not dealing with a rational reasonable person and no matter how out of character it feels to you to lie or hide something from the man you love, you won’t regret it later.

Whether you know it or not, they are snooping through your belongings looking for evidence you are up to something. He is lying to you so he just assumes you are lying to him plus he wants to know if you are on to him.
He had a camera hidden so he could watch me while he was in the barn, he had an intercom strung out to the barn so he could listen in on my conversations and he had something in my truck to listen and track where I was. I know it sounds paranoid and that is what he wanted me to believe but I had his sister with me and she is the one that found the intercom and was with me in the truck. She is also the one that confirmed my secret fear; that he was capable of killing me and making it look like an accident.

It is very common to split from a narcissist several times, the N “punishes” by withdrawing or banishing you from their divine presence. After a period of time, a few weeks or months, they figure you should have learned your lesson and will reappear laying on the charm, telling you what you want to hear and you go back and the cycle begins again. Personally, after we had split half a dozen times I truly didn’t think he would ever really leave me; it had become “just the way the relationship was” and he was confident that he could do anything and I would always welcome him back with open arms. I even tried reasoning with him, pointing out that every time he had said he wanted to end it he almost immediately wanted me back so let’s save ourselves a whole lot of time, money and heartache and pretend we broke up and get to the part where you want me back. But there is no “reasoning” with a narcissist; cognitive thinking is not their strong suite.

In an attempt to keep the peace with the narcissist you have slowly given up control of the finances, given up your support system of family and friends and you feel you are stuck to ride this emotional roller coaster from hell for ever more. In my case I actually felt the pain of leaving exceeded the pain of staying and I thought I could “make” it work no matter what and I would never leave. I felt I was stuck for so many reasons, lack of resources, I feared his rage, and the thought of leaving hurt so bad I didn’t think I’d survive. I thought I could ride it out and just not react to his raging, but that doesn’t work, he wants a reaction and will not give up until he gets it.

The N gets more cruel and hateful until you crack; and then like a volcano that has been simmering and finally blows he spews venomous bile all over you, in my case I would get punched and he would scream into my face what an ungrateful bitch I was and it was over. I would believe him and start making plans to leave; then he would deny ever saying it. Eventually it was impossible to stay, I truly thought if I didn’t leave he would kill me, to say he treated me with loathing would be an understatement. But by this time I had nothing, absolutely nothing, I was terrified, where would I go, how would I go, I was stuck; I prayed he would kill me and end this torture.

Like me, you are NOT stuck, you don’t have to stay, but you do need to get help because leaving is not easy. Believe me you can do it, if I could find a way out so can you!! You need to find a trusted friend, someone you can confide in, if not a friend or family member, perhaps a support group for abused women, or a forum on one of the many web sites about being involved with a narcissist, but you need someone who will confirm you are not crazy, it is not your fault and you don’t deserve the way the N in your life has been treating you.

Be very careful to not let the N know you are planning your escape, when you hear of a woman being killed by a lover it is usually when the relationship is ending so it would be very prudent to plan your exit very carefully. Don’t worry about taking furniture, things can be replaced, take your mementos and think about safety first, not fairness to the N, or revenge, just get out and don’t look back. I found that JC got the most violent and scary when he thought I was actually going to leave, it was at those times I truly thought he could kill me. If you think about it you are dealing with a person who has no conscience, you probably know things about him that he doesn’t want anyone else to know, if you leave he loses all control over your actions, who you associate with etc, he doesn’t want to have to give up anything, pay child support or be inconvenienced in any way, if you were to die or just disappear, he doesn’t have to deal with any of those things. No matter how he feels about you he certainly doesn’t want to think you would be happy without him or God forbid with any one else.

Narcissists can’t stand being alone and will never let you leave unless he has your replacement firmly hooked. But it will happen eventually, don’t kid yourself.
I truly never thought it would end, I didn’t know what would happen, but after 10 yrs, after we had recommitted to each other I really didn’t think he would actually find someone else. No matter what I read about Narcissists, and how closely he fit every description of an N that I found, and our relationship followed the described stages, I really thought he loved me, I thought I was special, I thought we were different. How foolish of me. It wasn’t that I was surprised he had a new woman, he had screwed around our whole relationship, had personal ads our whole relationship I had found love letters he had written to other women, but he always came back to me. He had said that once, “I don’t know why you get so upset, I always come back to you.” And I had thought, yeah because I am the only one stupid enough to always take you back.
Then there was the conversation we had just before I moved out, when he had blamed me for the relationship failing and I had mentioned that he was the one who continually had personal ads and screwed around. He got that exasperated look on his face and said,” And what did you do?” I said,” I stayed.” And he looked at me over his glasses and said,” EXACTLY” and went back to reading his magazine. In that moment a part of me died because I saw him for what he was, empty, heartless and no one I could love.

When the narcissist realizes they can get nothing more from you, either they have drained you of all resources or you are so “on to them” they can no longer manipulate you into doing what they want they will move on. There is no such thing as “amicably” splitting from an N, even if it is his idea, he will punish you for not living up to his fantasy and not having an endless narcissistic supply; he will cast you aside as being worthless treat you with distain. He will not be fair in the division of property, the breakup will be all your fault and he will expect you to still be there for him until he is firmly enmeshed in a new relationship.

You must remember you are not dealing with a “normal” person; they have no feelings, guilt, or even the ability to love, no matter what they tell you. As he said to me once when I reminded him of his tearful apology, promises and professions of love when he begged me back, “I told you what you wanted to hear”.
They lead a very fragile fantasy life, that is why they must control every aspect of it, including you, they will not allow you to destroy their illusion, they will not face reality, don’t try to make them. If you think about it they are to be pitied, they are so empty and ill equipped to deal with the real world they can’t function without someone constantly feeding their ego. It is impossible to break up and remain friends with an N, if you aren’t a source of ns then you are of no use to an N and if you take his ns away you are his enemy and he will do anything to make you pay.

The Healing Begins

Breaking up with a narcissist is different than a “normal” breakup and there in lies another problem that makes the relationship with an N so damaging. As if being involved with them isn’t toxic enough but to then have to go through the breakup after you are emotionally, financially, mentally and maybe even physically depleted of all resources combined with the lack of support and empathy from family, friends, and society in general can make it all but impossible to heal. The victim ends up feeling a if she has been kicked almost to death and left to die in her own pool of blood while the one who was kicking her goes off to live happily ever after with someone is young, beautiful and full of life (and narcissistic supply). The ONLY people who can understand the devastation are those who have survived a significant relationship with a Narcissist.

In a healthy relationship break up one grieves:
The dream of love not continuing
The loss of familiarity
The pain of saying goodbye
The sadness of having ill will between you and someone you love/loved.
A sense of loss
Living with the memories of past pleasures, shared experiences, visiting places you once went together.
Hope interrupted
Well wishing put aside for self-survival
Feelings of failure

But when grieving an N a person deals with all of the above and other ingredients such as:
The nightmare of going from being idealized to being devalued.
Discovering the web of lies at many many levels
Coming to terms with the terrible realization that you were never an object of love but a source of narcissist supply. That in itself is so painful that it has many stages of comprehension.
Coming to the understanding that your nostalgic and tender memories of loving times are corrupted by the N’s agenda.
Feeling isolated and alone with your grief because people don’t believe or feel you must be exaggerating about some of the weird things the N did. Some of the N’s actions are so unbelievable it sounds like the plot to a suspense movie, even when the movie is based on a true story it is still a movie and not happening in their world. I think people just simply don’t want to accept that their neighbour, co-worker, family member could be that evil and cruel without provocation.
Discovering with some relief mingled with horror that the person you loved was not the person you thought you loved.
Everything, simply every aspect of the relationship is tarnished in light of the realization that it was typical of all N relationships and nothing was “real”.
When one hears about a healthy ex moving on, dating, marrying, or has gone totally from their life there is sadness and the letting go of what could have been. But as time goes by that sting turns to acceptance and well wishing and the ex becomes one of your fond memories. But with an N ex, they invariably move on immediately, flaunt their new relationship and of course are being their charismatic sweet selves as they “hook” their new victim and blame you for all the problems in the relationship. The survivor is flooded with conflicting thoughts; Will they ever come into my life again? Will they miss my N supply was I not good enough, maybe they really have changed, maybe it was all me, even if they are abusing their new partner there is a feeling of inadequacy.
Not being able to get closure except to accept that the ex is disfigured, deformed and always dangerous. There are no explanations, no shared blame; you are left to deal with it as best you can while they coldly move on without a backwards glance.
You have spent however long with the N as your main focus whether it is walking on eggshells trying to prevent an N rage, being hyper sensitive to their moods, denying your own feelings to avoid conflict, suspicion, the constant barrage of criticism, defending yourself to false allegations and your own struggles to deal with the warped reality of the N and now you are expected to function “normally” when you don’t even remember what normal is anymore.
Feelings of failure, not just of the relationship but you failed to protect yourself (and perhaps the children), failed to be “enough” for the N and now people’s lack of understanding is making you feel that you are a failure at grieving and healing.
The impatience of society in general who can’t understand why you are grieving at all and feel you should be happy to be free of your tormentor.
You are left feeling empty, raped, the victim of a holocaust; was it all for nothing? All that pain, all the effort, all the forgiving and trying is nothing more than a loss. It isn’t lost love; it is a dark abyss that evolves from nothing into nothing.

Life without the narcissist in it will be better, less conflict, no one telling you white is black, no one criticizing you, no one expecting the impossible and blaming you for their unhappiness. Unfortunately again, the minute they see you getting stronger they will try anything, say anything, to get you back, because you now have resources they want. You must stay strong and not give them an inch, it is not possible to stay friends, and narcissists do not change! They don’t change because they don’t think they have any flaws or faults! Just keep remembering, if you stay or go back the pain will never stop, only get worse, once you leave you can start the healing process and healing WILL occur.

It’s been 6 months and I am still sleeping on the couch, still waking up in tears, and still have to force myself to eat, work and carry on. But life is getting better, I don’t cry every day any more, I don’t jump when the phone rings, I don’t call him or message him any more, I have more money again, I laugh more, my bad days are further apart, well in fact I have good days, that in itself is an improvement.

The Stages of Healing (Suffering)

Looking for Answers

What we need most is certainty, stability, and we want answers. Our world has been turned upside down and inside out, we are disoriented from everything we valued, our beliefs, morals, boundaries and self-confidence being smashed against the “granite faced” reality of a psychopathic narcissist. It is a reality so alien to us and so twisted we are sent spinning into the deepest, darkest, unfathomable abyss with no way of getting back.

For me, the only way I can describe how I felt was total devastation. Initially I think I was operating on auto-pilot, packing, moving, saying good-bye, sure there were tears but I was just kinda numb. I was saying this was it, this was the last time, and he was acting like he hated me, even worse than the times before, but I still think deep down I thought somehow it would never really end.

I felt I needed his approval, that my life was empty without him, we talked daily on the phone, I knew he was probably dating, he’d had personal ads and dates when we were together of course now that we weren’t living together he would be going at it full force. But as usual once we were split he started being nice again and the little glimmer of hope started deep inside me. We had been apart 2 ½ months, but he was still “fixing” my truck (that he destroyed to begin with) I wasn’t able to work so was reliant on him and he was resentful. He was stopping by to get money off me when ever I was able to work, still phoning and saying he missed me and loved me.

Although we know the narcissist is not good for us we become obsessed with him. For one thing, he has programmed us to make him our life, without him in it, a large part of our lives is now empty plus he is our link to life and our sanity. We somehow feel he holds the key to our survival and we look to him to give us back what he took, our life. We know on some unconscious level that he has something we need. That something is our soul.

When I found out about the women he was seeing, a married woman and a widow and he was so cold about it and uncaring and saying horrible things to me and it became obvious he had been using me as his “sure thing” until he had a new victim firmly under his spell; that is when I totally fell apart. It wasn’t that I was shocked by him and his lack of love and his callousness towards me it was my realization of how delusional I was and how I had been lying to myself. All of a sudden I hated him like I have never hated someone in my life and I knew I would never get what I needed from him and it was up to me to heal myself.

From there I had to try to accept that everything I had given up, the compromises I had made, the values I had given up, all the times I had forgiven him and all the tears I had cried had been for NOTHING, just a sham and none of it meant a thing to him. He went straight from saying I love you to me one day to literally moving in with another woman the next and being disgusted with my emotional display.

I have accepted that, and now I know I could never go back, go back to what? There is nothing to go back to except abuse because I now know with out a doubt that I did everything I could to make him happy and I know now that he will say anything and do anything to get what he wants, at that moment.

Now I have to get over the loneliness and try to regain my self esteem. It doesn’t matter how many times I tell myself that it had nothing to do with me, I have lost all my confidence when it comes to being with a man. I never doubted that I was attractive to men and able to keep a man satisfied sexually and otherwise but now I doubted everything, from how intelligent I am to whether I take too long to have an orgasm. But the process has begun and now I know it is just going to take time, he doesn’t control me any more.

Recognizing a Narcissist

From Lady with a Truck Blog....

Statistics show that there are more men than women with narcissism but women cause just as much pain, chaos, and humiliation as the men and cause as much destruction in the lives of any one close to them.

A narcissistic partner will present an image of patience, congeniality and confident reasonableness out in public and most people would find it very hard to believe the way he treats his family behind closed doors. At home he/she is withdrawn, arrogant, unavailable, and can treat their partner and children with loathing, resentment and self-righteousness.

“Me versus you” mentality. It is impossible to not fight with a narcissist; the simplest of requests such as “please take your boots off in the house” will turn into a major fight with you defending yourself.

Competitiveness

Passive aggressive retaliations ie: something special to you gets broken or disappears; he will purposely make you late for an event you are looking forward to. 

Excessive generosity to new acquaintances which turns into resentment if not reciprocated or he isn’t appreciated enough for his generosity.

If they are not the centre of attention they will discredit or leave the experience.

May fake illness or purposely injure themselves to procure attention/sympathy.

Abusive verbal behaviour when angered or insecure.

Tendency toward violent and even criminal behavior.

Inappropriate language in front of women and children.

Dark moods that affect others.

They do not have a conscience.

A narcissist partner will lie about you to others to gain sympathy.

Narcissists are pathological liars, you probably have no idea all the lies he’s told you or about you. They will lie to you about things that you did together. They will misquote you to yourself. If you disagree with them, they will say you are lying, or crazy. (If you have been with them any amount of time you are probably starting to believe they might be right)

They are general quite miserly if not down right stingy.

If they are constantly starting fights about your spending habits it is more than likely a smoke screen they are using to hide their own spending from you.

Narcissistic people habitually have secret crushes, affairs, use pornography, have “Cyber” affairs, and generally are always on the prowl for the rush of new love. He will create his fantasy self on the internet and wants every woman to want and love him, whether they can truly ever be together is of little consequence to him, he lives in a fantasy world anyway. He gets the ultimate Narcissistic supply if he can get another man’s wife or girlfriend. 

Often has one or several women on the hook should the present relationship end, also having two women in love with him keeps the narcissistic supply coming. I used to think he purposely let me find out he was pursuing other women just to make me jealous, it fed his ego to know I was hurt over the fact he wanted someone else.

False promises, he will say anything to get a desired reaction or something he wants.

Glorifies and falsifies achievements past and present and expects to be recognized and praised for real and fabricated accomplishments.

Finds others not complying with wants intolerable.

Extremely sensitive to criticism

Extremely defensive when confronted about anything, to the point of violence.

Disdain for rules, regulations, decency, morality.

Seems totally oblivious to others and the effect his actions have on the people around him, resulting in loss of jobs, being evicted, loss of friendships

Very poor impulse control, acts without any thought to consequences and rarely learns from past experiences.

Childish outbursts and behaviour.

Extreme lack of compassion or sensitivity towards love partners problems.

Grossly unsupportive and uncooperative of loved ones in times of need.

Brushes his indiscretions under the carpet; (but you will be raked over the coals for your slightest indiscretion over and over again)

Uses allies, real and imagined to back up claims and arguments. ie: the guys at work don’t know how he can tolerate the way you treat him, or they all think you are crazy etc

Uses guilt to manipulate love partner

To them any relationship is a game of strategy to get what you want or to “win”, if you cry it is a ploy you are using to “pull one over on him”. Consequently he trusts no one because he knows he is lying and manipulating and just assumes so is everyone else.

Tends to be unreasonably jealous and possessive; going to great lengths to control the freedom of his partner. (to the point of sabotaging your vehicle, causing you to lose your job, controlling all the money)

Capable of sexually degrading name calling and total disregard for sexual pleasure of partner; Can be an extremely passionate and talented lover when trying to “win” his love interest or get them back after a break up.

Will steal, harm, or hide property to sabotage love partners

Uses vengeance, threats, and intimidation to control

Withdraws and uses “silent treatment” to punish and manipulate.

Rejects, threatens to leave or end relationship to keep partner in line and compliant, will later deny saying it and say you are too sensitive, misunderstood or provoked it.

Uses excessive charm to manipulate and control

They are threatened and enraged by trivial disagreements, mistakes, misunderstandings, or if they are questioned on something they did.

Emotionally punishes partner when feeling insecure

Emotionally punishes love partner when their love partner is struggling with a loss, grief, or challenges. Will not tolerate not being your main focus and will do or say something to hurt or anger you so as to switch your attention back to them. Like a misbehaving child, negative attention is better than no attention

Employs unpredictable and unaccountable behavior in order to control and keep partner off balance. ie: always late, will call to say he is on his way home and then not get home for hours or at all, not phoning or refusing to answer his phone, never home at the same time, not coming to bed, even something as simple as eating supper before he comes home knowing you’ll have supper ready. It eventually gets to the point where you stop planning anything because he finds a of ruining it; usually by being late or just not showing up. You can count on nothing!!

Capable of disgusting behaviour to gain the upper hand and control the situation

Feels powerful and fulfilled when creating powerlessness in another; yet will criticize that person for being to needy.

Gross failure to apologize or have sympathy after creating tears, distress or trauma to their partner.

Will create a situation where love partner needs them to “rescue” them, making them a hero of sorts and puts them in control.

They have illogical thought processes; ie: He wouldn’t let me use his computer because he said every time I did we fought. We fought because every time I used his computer I would find letters to other women, photos of other women, videos of us having sex that I didn’t know he’d taped, etc. One time we’d been getting along really well until I used his computer and he forgot to close his POF account and I discovered he’d been communicating with several women. His response was,”See? Every thing was fine until you used my computer”. He didn’t understand that everything was NOT fine, what he was doing was wrong and totally disrespectful of me and my feelings. He was angry I snooped, but he didn’t understand that if I never found evidence of his indiscretions I would stop snooping and that it was his infidelity and lying that drove me to snoop. He thinks if he doesn’t get caught he hasn’t done anything wrong. Its not stealing if you don’t get caught.

They “steal” bits of behaviour, ideas, tastes, opinions etc from someone they regard as an authority figure, usually a new acquaintance.

They will tell you how many hours they put in at work and how they are the “star” employee, solving problems no one previous could etc yet they will always cut corners and cheat whenever possible. They can put in a shocking amount of time to very little effect. They are not invested in what they do so they don’t pay attention to what they are doing. An N ends up being a workaholic and lazy at the same time. 

They will flatter you, charm you and generally act like they “love” you if they think you have something they want or you can benefit them in some way.

The narcissist will test your love and dedication to them by making outrageous demands that are impossible to fulfill, even if you want to please them.

If you actually want to do what they want you to do, that would be too much like sharing, so they won’t want to do it any more.

Because their whole life is a lie and fantasy when they meet a woman they change themselves to suit the woman, whatever the woman is into is what he is interested in, he will change his religious views, his taste in food, his interests, the way he dresses, right down to what liquor he drinks. 

They exaggerate their importance when talking about family, work, life in general as if there is no one else in the picture. They give the impression they are bearing heroic responsibility for their family or company and that they have to take responsibility for everything because their wife/coworkers are incompetent, uncooperative or in some way unfit. They ignore the contributions of others and complain that they get no help at all.

They expect praise, compliments, deference and expressions of envy and gratitude, often! Constantly! Sincerity is not an issue, frequency and volume are.

They have a sense of entitlement and expect immediate compliance and favorable treatment.

They can demonstrate arrogant, haughty, patronizing, and contemptuous behaviour.

The narcissist will contradict himself, often in the same sentence. They will say something and literally 5 minutes later deny saying it and accuse you of being crazy.

There is no reasoning with an N, I used to try to explain to him the consequences of his actions, why people respond negatively to his lying, cheating, stealing, even though he would nod his head and say “I hear ya” he’d turn around do it anyway. And he always seemed genuinely surprised when people were angry with him over something he’d done.

N’s lack a conscience and only show SOME restraint because of a fear of being thrown in jail, you can almost count on him doing something just because you told him not to or because it is illegal.

They will attack you, spew venom at you, insult you, abuse you, threaten, possibly physically abuse you, say you are worthless, say they don’t love you and want you gone and as soon as they are done they expect an immediate restoration of status quo and are frustrated when you are hurt and crying and can’t just get over it.

N’s will make a big deal about finding out what you want for your birthday or Christmas and then not get you anything or get you something he knows you don’t want, or he found somewhere.

They hate to live alone and once you are living with them they will not leave unless they have another woman lined up and then they will drop you so fast your head is spinning.

He will criticize your family and friends behind their backs, and try to cause problems between you and them, thus cutting you off from your support system and people who would confirm you are not the one who is crazy.

Narcissistic Personality Disorder

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Narcissistic_personality_disorder

http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2008/08/04/how-to-spot-a-narcissist/

Life After Abuse with a Narcissist Partner

Has anyone ever met their Prince Charming, only to start finding some serious cracks in their behaviour over time?  I am 6 weeks free of a Narcissistic Relationship with DH.  My life over the last 3 years has been nothing short of a Fairy Tale and Nightmare all wrapped up into one little package.

I will blog separately and provide links regarding Narcissist Personality Disorder and Borderline Personality Disorder.  If you find you are with a Narcissist, run now.  DO NOT look back.  You will regret it!!

Here is my story:

I was married with two children when I met Mike. My husband, myself, Mike and his wife became friends and hung out over the summer on weekends. Mike and his wife clearly noted and saw how unhappy I was in my marriage (thats another story) and commented on numerous occasions that I deserved better. Mike would tell me that he would never disrespect his wife the way my husband disrespected me and he made me realize that there were some really great men out there and after some serious sole searching, I made the decision to end my marriage, fortunately the decision was amicable and remained that way to this day.  Mike and his wife were very supportive during this time we all remained friends.

Sadly a few months later, Mike's wife decided to end their long term marriage as they had grown apart and the kids were older. She asked for an amicable separation. Mike appeared at my doorstep one night not long after, devastated, angry and upset stating his wife had kicked him out of their home, he had to live with a friend until he could get a place of his own.

I am a VERY nurturing woman in general and my heart broke for him, I supported him emotionally and mentally during this time. He told me his wife was keeping his children from him and was taking him for everything. She wanted the home, all money in accounts, full custody and he was only allowed to see the kids at her home on her time. She started suggesting supervised visits.  I was disgusted by her behavior and concerned how this would affect the kids, (my ex and I share physical custody). He had me convinced his ex was a cold hearted b####. He moved into his own apartment with a cheap couch, bed and small tv and some cheap dishes. My heart broke so I bought him used furniture, cooked meals often for him.

When I first met Mike he was so charismatic, super friendly, everyone loved him, looked up to him. He would do anything for anyone.  He seemed to have the biggest heart in the world.  I later watched him and held him while he cried for hours on end, missing his kids, confused why his wife treated him this way. He told me prior to separation, she conned him into signing over everything into her name, cause his finances weren’t great and he was self employed, so to avoid bankruptcy and losing everything, he did so. Well she then took possession of his truck, sold it to pay for her legal bills. The list goes on.

During this time, we had spent so much time together and I found myself really caring about this man and we started dating. Wow is all I can say. He was amazing in every way. He spoiled me lovingly, poems, messages, songs, he would hold me all night, we had an amazing sex life, loved the same things. He would do renovations on my home, he treated my kids like his own, spoiled them rotten.  They loved him instantly. My family and friends adored him. He was amazing!! I never in my life thought a man like this existed, he was truly Prince Charming. Within 3 months I was so in love with him. He had me convinced we were soulmates, meant to be together. We were inseparable, he was my best friend and I loved spending every minute with him. We would often go on double dates with friends, he easily became a part of my daily schedule.

In 6 months, we found a house big enough for all of us to join our families, 5 kids between the 2 of us . At this point though she has yet to give him visitation, demanding supervised in courts. I thought she was a spoiled brat and hated that she was doing this to the kids and because Mike couldn’t afford a lawyer, and she had all the collateral, I found a great lawyer and offered to pay the lawyer. I had thought I was providing for my future and his kids were a part of that. Within a very short time of moving in together, cracks were forming. He was not the same man I knew to be happy and loving. Now he flipped back and forth between sweet, loving and supportive to angry, bitter and extremely jealous.

He instantly started accusing me of having affairs with co-workers, or getting too personal with them. Having a smoke break with them was considered personal. In time it was the guy at the market, campground, male friends, lawyer, doctor…no matter how much I defended myself, I couldn’t get him to understand I would never cheat on him. He then convinced me he suffered from anxiety, admitted he was so madly in love with me, he’s older, has baggage, a nasty ex wife, 3 kids, and he was insecure and thought I was the most beautiful woman in the world. He was terrified to lose me. Told me he knew I wasn’t cheating but his fears were based on a “what if” scenario. Eventually he made comments about my choice of clothing, make up, hairstyle, shaving. Was I doing it for another man? Certainly not for him. I got yelled at for wearing makeup to work and nice clothes, then getting into comfy clothes and ponytail when I got home. Clearly I had no respect for him and only for my male coworkers. 

To make matters worse, my job required some marketing, he would berate me for looking attractive, then accusations would fly. I ended up dragging him along to most events to calm his fears. I stopped going to visit my friends alone, he always came with me,I stopped wearing makeup, styling hair. Shaved at certain times. It was easier to change that then continue to fight with him. What made it worse was in between this, he was still the man of my dreams. He would love me in ways I never thought was possible. My heart continued to melt, I was weak in the knees for him.

Sometimes after we fought he would break down crying, apologize and begged for forgiveness, he had me convinced it was the stress of his very painful divorce and lack of kids that was turning him is way. He begged me to take over his divorce battle and gave lawyers permission to speak to me and have me deal with necessary paperwork. I became the person running the show. I had hoped that by taking this on my shoulders, he would be able to heal with time and will be under less stress. I then picked and choosed my time when I felt it was safe to talk to him about these issues. I paid a total of $40k to the lawyer!

Mike took me on an incredibly romantic weekend getaway, he proposed and I happily accepted. We finally had all our kids together and they were adjusting and he seemed to be calmer and happier. I thought the past was behind us. I should note, we also went for couples counseling during this time to help us get through his court battle issues and our other issues. He accepted full responsibility, he convinced the therapist it was stress of his divorce. And of course, as I said above, Mike returned to a happy, loving man, so we stopped therapy. That was $150 a pop, at my cost.

For a few months life was great!! We were happily planning our wedding, we had booked the hall, DJ, officiant, bought dress….even sent out the save the date cards. Within a few days of the cards going out, Mike started up again with accusations, assumptions. He would check my computer history, my phone messages, he demanded passwords to my email and Facebook. His anger started turning monstrous, I became terrified of the man I loved and couldn’t understand what was wrong or why he treated me this way. He started turning on my son, driving erratically with me in car, withheld affection, I was a shell of the person I once was and depressed, sad, a complete wreck. 

I finally reached out to my family and friends and they all agreed that they started to feel something was seriously different with me, and I had disappeared from them all and I wasn’t the same person. They were shocked at what they heard. I went back to therapy, this time alone. She informed me that Mike was very sick psychologically and needed to undergo a mental evaluation. She insisted I leave Mike immediately for mine and my kids safety. The next morning when he went to work, I packed clothes for me and my kids and left him. I stayed with a girlfriend for 6 weeks until I found an apartment.

During this time he went between loving and dark in his messages, phone calls. I was more and more confused. I started doing research and found Narcissist. A million alarm bells went off!!! Finally I had answers. But it didn’t help ease my pain. I refused to believe he really didn’t love me the way I loved him. I was in complete denial. He continued to play games with my heart, he played the victim online and had people convinced I’d left him for another man!! Poor Mike!! 

It took an overwhelming amount of strength and determination to realize that a Narcissist is a sociopath and wouldn’t change. I wanted to believe he would change, but he needed time and serious intensive therapy and I had decided if it was meant to be it would find its way. So I told him I need space, let’s live apart, I will support him with his therapy but we shouldn’t have any relationship for the time being. I had hoped that he loved me enough to agree and would go to therapy. I was told all or nothing. No in between. So I said goodbye. It broke my heart, but I couldn’t do this and I knew I deserved better

As we were not legally married, I was entitled to all my possessions. 90% of what was in the home belonged to me. Remember he had nothing when we got together. I had emailed him and told him what items I would take and that I would leave him with 50% of the furniture. Neither of us could support the house we rented alone so I handed in my notice for 2 months time. He would then have to find his own place too. I went to the house one day while he was at work to get the rest of my clothes and start packing. He had changed the locks! This was illegal as the home was rented in both our names, and I had the right to be there still. He emailed me and told me that as I left him, he should not be left to have to replace anything therefore I get nothing. Suck it up!! 

Stunned, I spoke to a lawyer and was told my rights were as I believed, he had no legal entitlement to my furniture at all, we were not married. The next day he apologized and agreed to my terms. I booked a truck, storage room to store my furniture for one month, paid for hotel rooms for my parents and friends that came from out of town to help me move. In total this was $800. I showed up when we agreed and he barricaded himself inside and said I wouldn’t get a damn thing from him and he would not allow me in the house.

I called the police this time for assistance. I explained to the officer and showed him an email from the therapist confirming the relationship was abusive and that I had to leave for safety purposes. The cop stated I was making a criminal accusation and if Mike says he was abused by me, I would have to get charged if he wanted to lay charges!!! Did i hear that right? I felt victimized all over again!! I didn’t want Mike charged, I just wanted my stuff. Sure enough Mike claimed I abused him and told cops he won’t charge me if I don’t charge him!!!! I was livid!! Worse, he convinced the cops we were legally married, without showing proof and the cop tells me this domestic matter needs to be taken through the courts. I was so angry and told the cop Mike lied and told him my lawyers advice and they said all they could do was force Mike to hand me a key to the house, BUT if I so much as took any items out I would be charged with theft!!!! The move was a bust!!

Finally a week later I got a judge to sign an affidavit that I wasn’t married, and Mike was forced to hand me a key. A week later I rolled the truck in while he was at work. Got everything out and stuck to my promise of leaving him with 50% of the furniture. I knew I had won and there was nothing he could do!! Let him charge me!! He didn’t!

Fast forward 2 months. I’m still madly in love with him, miss him daily and we have had no contact at all. I’ve for whatever reason forgiven him and just want to move on. I hear through a mutual friend he is in the hospital, so because I care, I went to see him. God I missed him, he cried uncontrollably, told me he underwent evaluation, it came back at severe anxiety only. He told me he had been faithfully attending therapy twice a week, knew he was to blame, showed regret, hated himself. I felt so bad for him and told him I still loved him and maybe we can work on us slowly while living apart and maintaining therapy. He was released 3 days later and I invited him to dinner, but the rule was not to talk about the past.

Within days he was back in my bed, honeymoon all over again, he treated me like gold, pushed me to visit friends alone, did repairs on new place, bought groceries, new bed for my son. He went to his own place at night and accepted taking things slow. This worked great for 2 months, our kids were happy to see we loved each other to work things out. Sadly, I lost my job, laid off due to shortage of work. I knew I could not support myself and he convinced me to move back to our home. He had continued to remain in it. He promised to support me and the kids and I thought our issues were done so I happily agreed. My family would be back together.

The day I moved home, I found out he had started dating a woman within 2 weeks of our separation and although he stopped seeing her when we got back together, she flew to different province, he wanted me to accept his continued friendship with her and allow her to stay with us when in town. He started to flaunt this woman in my face, her name was constant! He admitted he joined dating sites and went on dates. I was devastated, really we had only been physically separated 6 weeks!! He talked to her daily via messaging, FB, phone calls. But then he would again accuse me of affairs, talking with men! Each day it gradually got worse! I was once again isolated, at his mercy to abuse me daily.

I lost friends, they refused to listen and eventually ignored me completely. Only one friend remained, she herself was a victim of an N in the past!! I started suffering from anxiety and panic attacks. I feared him!! He had me physically, emotionally, mentally and financially dependent upon him!! I knew my body was telling me to run that I made a huge mistake and he never will change. Once again, I needed to leave, but I’d be damned if I didn’t leave with everything at once. I had 2 days to borrow money from family, secure truck, storage and movers and once gain, I moved while he was at work. I made a strong decision, I would rather fear the unknown, then fear living with him.

I asked my ex husband to hold kids while I moved into an abused women’s shelter to save money. He agreed and respected me more and so did the kids. I had a back up cell phone, cause I knew he would cancel the phone he gave me. I sent him one final message, he deserved everything that’s happened and I deserve better. I’m gone. Simple to the point. 

He started emailing me constantly. I enforced a no contact rule. I deleted without reading! I refused to be baited with his games any longer and my heart would hurt though my head was strong! He found a woman on my FB to provide him with info on me, every post. She called me fishing for info as to where I am, what happened. I knew she loved drama so I gave her false info. She gave it to him and he believed her! Busted! He got the phone bill of my cell and called every number I dialed asking how they knew me. He showed up at my sons game just to intimidate me. He texts me daily, emails me, emails my friends and family.

I am 6 weeks free of him again and so incredibly relieved to be free of him. I’ve had to realize he is and never was real, I was just a game. Its destroyed me in many ways and it will take a very long time to heal. I will continue to search for work, save money while living in a shelter for now. It’s safer than with him. I gave him my whole heart, I want it back. In time I hope to look back and be proud of myself for realizing I was conned by the master of manipulators and I was strong enough to leave and realize I deserve better.