Recognizing a Narcissist

From Lady with a Truck Blog....

Statistics show that there are more men than women with narcissism but women cause just as much pain, chaos, and humiliation as the men and cause as much destruction in the lives of any one close to them.

A narcissistic partner will present an image of patience, congeniality and confident reasonableness out in public and most people would find it very hard to believe the way he treats his family behind closed doors. At home he/she is withdrawn, arrogant, unavailable, and can treat their partner and children with loathing, resentment and self-righteousness.

“Me versus you” mentality. It is impossible to not fight with a narcissist; the simplest of requests such as “please take your boots off in the house” will turn into a major fight with you defending yourself.

Competitiveness

Passive aggressive retaliations ie: something special to you gets broken or disappears; he will purposely make you late for an event you are looking forward to. 

Excessive generosity to new acquaintances which turns into resentment if not reciprocated or he isn’t appreciated enough for his generosity.

If they are not the centre of attention they will discredit or leave the experience.

May fake illness or purposely injure themselves to procure attention/sympathy.

Abusive verbal behaviour when angered or insecure.

Tendency toward violent and even criminal behavior.

Inappropriate language in front of women and children.

Dark moods that affect others.

They do not have a conscience.

A narcissist partner will lie about you to others to gain sympathy.

Narcissists are pathological liars, you probably have no idea all the lies he’s told you or about you. They will lie to you about things that you did together. They will misquote you to yourself. If you disagree with them, they will say you are lying, or crazy. (If you have been with them any amount of time you are probably starting to believe they might be right)

They are general quite miserly if not down right stingy.

If they are constantly starting fights about your spending habits it is more than likely a smoke screen they are using to hide their own spending from you.

Narcissistic people habitually have secret crushes, affairs, use pornography, have “Cyber” affairs, and generally are always on the prowl for the rush of new love. He will create his fantasy self on the internet and wants every woman to want and love him, whether they can truly ever be together is of little consequence to him, he lives in a fantasy world anyway. He gets the ultimate Narcissistic supply if he can get another man’s wife or girlfriend. 

Often has one or several women on the hook should the present relationship end, also having two women in love with him keeps the narcissistic supply coming. I used to think he purposely let me find out he was pursuing other women just to make me jealous, it fed his ego to know I was hurt over the fact he wanted someone else.

False promises, he will say anything to get a desired reaction or something he wants.

Glorifies and falsifies achievements past and present and expects to be recognized and praised for real and fabricated accomplishments.

Finds others not complying with wants intolerable.

Extremely sensitive to criticism

Extremely defensive when confronted about anything, to the point of violence.

Disdain for rules, regulations, decency, morality.

Seems totally oblivious to others and the effect his actions have on the people around him, resulting in loss of jobs, being evicted, loss of friendships

Very poor impulse control, acts without any thought to consequences and rarely learns from past experiences.

Childish outbursts and behaviour.

Extreme lack of compassion or sensitivity towards love partners problems.

Grossly unsupportive and uncooperative of loved ones in times of need.

Brushes his indiscretions under the carpet; (but you will be raked over the coals for your slightest indiscretion over and over again)

Uses allies, real and imagined to back up claims and arguments. ie: the guys at work don’t know how he can tolerate the way you treat him, or they all think you are crazy etc

Uses guilt to manipulate love partner

To them any relationship is a game of strategy to get what you want or to “win”, if you cry it is a ploy you are using to “pull one over on him”. Consequently he trusts no one because he knows he is lying and manipulating and just assumes so is everyone else.

Tends to be unreasonably jealous and possessive; going to great lengths to control the freedom of his partner. (to the point of sabotaging your vehicle, causing you to lose your job, controlling all the money)

Capable of sexually degrading name calling and total disregard for sexual pleasure of partner; Can be an extremely passionate and talented lover when trying to “win” his love interest or get them back after a break up.

Will steal, harm, or hide property to sabotage love partners

Uses vengeance, threats, and intimidation to control

Withdraws and uses “silent treatment” to punish and manipulate.

Rejects, threatens to leave or end relationship to keep partner in line and compliant, will later deny saying it and say you are too sensitive, misunderstood or provoked it.

Uses excessive charm to manipulate and control

They are threatened and enraged by trivial disagreements, mistakes, misunderstandings, or if they are questioned on something they did.

Emotionally punishes partner when feeling insecure

Emotionally punishes love partner when their love partner is struggling with a loss, grief, or challenges. Will not tolerate not being your main focus and will do or say something to hurt or anger you so as to switch your attention back to them. Like a misbehaving child, negative attention is better than no attention

Employs unpredictable and unaccountable behavior in order to control and keep partner off balance. ie: always late, will call to say he is on his way home and then not get home for hours or at all, not phoning or refusing to answer his phone, never home at the same time, not coming to bed, even something as simple as eating supper before he comes home knowing you’ll have supper ready. It eventually gets to the point where you stop planning anything because he finds a of ruining it; usually by being late or just not showing up. You can count on nothing!!

Capable of disgusting behaviour to gain the upper hand and control the situation

Feels powerful and fulfilled when creating powerlessness in another; yet will criticize that person for being to needy.

Gross failure to apologize or have sympathy after creating tears, distress or trauma to their partner.

Will create a situation where love partner needs them to “rescue” them, making them a hero of sorts and puts them in control.

They have illogical thought processes; ie: He wouldn’t let me use his computer because he said every time I did we fought. We fought because every time I used his computer I would find letters to other women, photos of other women, videos of us having sex that I didn’t know he’d taped, etc. One time we’d been getting along really well until I used his computer and he forgot to close his POF account and I discovered he’d been communicating with several women. His response was,”See? Every thing was fine until you used my computer”. He didn’t understand that everything was NOT fine, what he was doing was wrong and totally disrespectful of me and my feelings. He was angry I snooped, but he didn’t understand that if I never found evidence of his indiscretions I would stop snooping and that it was his infidelity and lying that drove me to snoop. He thinks if he doesn’t get caught he hasn’t done anything wrong. Its not stealing if you don’t get caught.

They “steal” bits of behaviour, ideas, tastes, opinions etc from someone they regard as an authority figure, usually a new acquaintance.

They will tell you how many hours they put in at work and how they are the “star” employee, solving problems no one previous could etc yet they will always cut corners and cheat whenever possible. They can put in a shocking amount of time to very little effect. They are not invested in what they do so they don’t pay attention to what they are doing. An N ends up being a workaholic and lazy at the same time. 

They will flatter you, charm you and generally act like they “love” you if they think you have something they want or you can benefit them in some way.

The narcissist will test your love and dedication to them by making outrageous demands that are impossible to fulfill, even if you want to please them.

If you actually want to do what they want you to do, that would be too much like sharing, so they won’t want to do it any more.

Because their whole life is a lie and fantasy when they meet a woman they change themselves to suit the woman, whatever the woman is into is what he is interested in, he will change his religious views, his taste in food, his interests, the way he dresses, right down to what liquor he drinks. 

They exaggerate their importance when talking about family, work, life in general as if there is no one else in the picture. They give the impression they are bearing heroic responsibility for their family or company and that they have to take responsibility for everything because their wife/coworkers are incompetent, uncooperative or in some way unfit. They ignore the contributions of others and complain that they get no help at all.

They expect praise, compliments, deference and expressions of envy and gratitude, often! Constantly! Sincerity is not an issue, frequency and volume are.

They have a sense of entitlement and expect immediate compliance and favorable treatment.

They can demonstrate arrogant, haughty, patronizing, and contemptuous behaviour.

The narcissist will contradict himself, often in the same sentence. They will say something and literally 5 minutes later deny saying it and accuse you of being crazy.

There is no reasoning with an N, I used to try to explain to him the consequences of his actions, why people respond negatively to his lying, cheating, stealing, even though he would nod his head and say “I hear ya” he’d turn around do it anyway. And he always seemed genuinely surprised when people were angry with him over something he’d done.

N’s lack a conscience and only show SOME restraint because of a fear of being thrown in jail, you can almost count on him doing something just because you told him not to or because it is illegal.

They will attack you, spew venom at you, insult you, abuse you, threaten, possibly physically abuse you, say you are worthless, say they don’t love you and want you gone and as soon as they are done they expect an immediate restoration of status quo and are frustrated when you are hurt and crying and can’t just get over it.

N’s will make a big deal about finding out what you want for your birthday or Christmas and then not get you anything or get you something he knows you don’t want, or he found somewhere.

They hate to live alone and once you are living with them they will not leave unless they have another woman lined up and then they will drop you so fast your head is spinning.

He will criticize your family and friends behind their backs, and try to cause problems between you and them, thus cutting you off from your support system and people who would confirm you are not the one who is crazy.