Past 6 Weeks

You ever wonder how much more you can take, day by day?  When is this roller coaster going to stop??  Come this Friday, I will be 6 weeks free of Mike.  As I stated in my first post, I was laid off work in February due to an extreme shortage of work in my field.  I dont think anyone can imagine what is feels like staying in that home with him and enduring his abuse, knowing you have no where to go.  I have kids, no job and not enough money from Unemployment Insurance to support myself and my children on my own.  I own a vehicle that costs an overwhelming amount and deduct that from my so called income and I am screwed.

The first time I left Mike I stayed with a friend for 6 weeks in their spare room.  Although I am extremely grateful to her and her family and the situation worked out well during that time, when I got "sucked" back in by Mike, she refused to support me in any way.  Not even an ear to bend.  Mike won again.  As a result, I was isolated from my friends.  Many of my other friends took her side.  Even when I left Mike the second time, none of them were here to support me emotionally.  They all told me I was looking through Rose Colored Glasses and its too late.  They want no part of it.  They dont realize just how manipulative the N is.  God, I was so in love with that man.  I am to this day.  He owns my heart whether I like it or not.  But, it doesnt mean he is going to have it anymore to play games with.  He lost that right.

An old friend of mine told me No Contact = No Interest.  This couldnt be more truthful!!!  I learned after my separation from Mike the first time the games he played with my head and my heart.  Every email, phone call, text message I felt the need to respond.  Sometimes his emails were sweet, loving, apologetic, full acceptance and blame.  Others were harsh, nasty, judgemental and accusatory.  I watched as he played the victim on Facebook, he had everyone convinced I left him for another man.  In anger, I lashed out at him on Facebook, publically.  I constantly felt this need to defend myself through all his lies he was telling everyone.  I hated that my character was being attacked and that people believed him.  Some people supported us both, others split their support.  I learned who my friends were and who liked the drama.  Im embarassed how that separation went down and so publically.

I knew this separation had to be different from the first.  First thing is I refused to play games this time.  He had already taken me for everything, financially, emotionally, mentally, physically.  I became a shell of the person I was.  I had no energy left in me.  He sucked me free and clear of anything.  I was exhausted in every way.  This time I decided it wasnt going to be so public.  I wasnt going to tell the world who he is.  What good what it do.  I also knew that once I was gone, I couldnt have any contact with him if I was going to survive this.  I grabbed my last remaining friends, family and booked a truck and storage room a few days in advance.  I waited till he left for work that morning and rolled up in the truck 30 minutes later.  We were packed and out of the house within 2 hours!!  Again, I left him kindly with 50% of the furniture.  This time, I knew I was going to embarass him not once but twice and the fear was so severe, I thought he would hunt me down and destroy me.  I had prepared the day before a simple email to send to him once I was free and clear of the house.  I sent it to him clearly stating I gave you a second chance, you chose to ruin it.  Im done. Do not contact me again.  Needless to say, my cell phone he hooked up for me was cancelled within the hour.  I deleted him from Facebook immediately so he couldnt post anything on my site.  I stayed at my friends home that night.  Mike didnt know where she lived.  I knew I would be safe for that night.  But then what?

Well, each morning the week before I left I called a Crisis Hotline for Abused Women.  I cried every morning to a woman named Jenny, begging her for confirmation this is the life I was enduring, that I wasnt crazy. I went back to my old therapist, she confirmed the results of his Mental Evaluation were Borderline Personality Disorder and Narcissistic Personality Disorder.  A Sociopath!!!  She was horrified to learn that I had fallen back into the trap and once again returned to the house with my children and was panicked to get me out.  Even offered for me to stay with her for a few nights.  She fought hard to make me find the strength to get out, call my kids father to make arrangements for them, find a spot to live.  The day after I left a bed opened up at a shelter west of my city.  I immediately jumped on it and was adamant that I not be dependent on any of my friends.  I lost my best friends the last time as a result, I wasnt going to risk my friendship with the girl who helped me twice and never denied support when needed.  I respected her far too much.

Mike immediately started emailing me.  Just seeing his name set off anxiety and panic attacks.  I hated to see his words, what he was thinking, feeling.  Part of me was strong and realized that none of it was real.  His words would have lacked empathy, meaning.  It would all be lies.  Ive been down this road and it tore at my heart the first time I left him.  I now had to realize I couldnt think about what he thinks or feels.  I now had to put me first.  No more putting his needs first.  I couldnt even think about my own feelings, never mind his.  My great friend agreed to read his emails on my behalf.  She wouldnt tell me what he said, simply deleted them.  If there was anything of urgency or need she informed me of what was to be done and she made the necessary arrangements.  What a friend eh??!!  I cant thank her enough for this, she put her ass on the line for me.  Anyway, it did honestly bug me what his emails said but I used that to fuel my own drive to keep moving forward, no contact.  I refused to read his emails, let alone respond back.  I realized this is what N's do.  They need their supply.  Narcissistic Supply to be exact.  If I responded to any of his emails, I was giving him his supply.  He would know that he still has control of me.  Just me responding, in any manner, gave him that rush of supply.  Sad isnt it?

When my friend finally told him my emails were being monitored and if he had any further questions to contact her, he found other ways to get in front of me.  He started emailing my mother, my other friends and family telling them how worried he was about me having no job, how was I going to support the kids.  He jumped from blaming me to coddling me to my mother and friends.  Thankfully, these people were my true friends and family and refused to play his game with him, sometimes his emails were read to me.  It destroyed me and again made me want to defend myself!!  He then found other email addresses for me and emailed me regularly on there.  I had to find my own strength and start deleting them without reading them.  How much longer can I depend on my friend to delete a simple message.  I needed to take my own control back.  He then somehow found out my new cell number!!!  Phone calls at 5am under Unknown Number, text messages daily.  He was making sure all messages were coming in front of me and tugging at my head and heart.  Sadly, I found the strength to read them and this actually gave me strength.  I started reading between the lines and was amazed at how much I was clueing into the games, the lies.  I was quite proud of myself.  AGAIN, I stuck to my no contact rule.  Not once did I contact or respond to his demands or accusations.

He found a mutual friend who would fish for information and would feed him everything off my Facebook.  I couldnt figure out for the life of me how he was getting info that he was using to text me.  It didnt take long till I baited this so called woman and within minutes he texted me and she was busted.  Why?  What purpose did it serve.  But I had to realize that once again the master manipulator convinced her I was the problem.  She was a rat, not a friend.  Since this time I blocked her and I have had no further info getting to Mike that he has suggested.  For whatever reason I typed in Mike's name on Facebook and was stunned to see that I can see everything on his page??!!  How is that possible??  Mike had his privacy locked up like Fort Knox. Not that he was ever really posting anything.  So I asked a non mutual friend to type in his name and sure enough his Facebook privacy setting was no longer private but very public.  WOW, what a ton of information on his site now.  He is dad of the year!!!  He has added god knows how many women to his friends list that he has met through dating or god knows what and they are fueling his N supply perfectly!!  All these women are doting on this amazing dad of the year.  He cracks jokes, shows his charm to perfection and these women are lapping it up and commenting and he is teasing them in return.  The next cycle begins.  He is seeking his next victim.

His last victim was Beth.  Beth was his supply during our first seperation.  She moved to Alberta once Mike and I got back together.  He had her convinced I was the monster and I left him with nothing for another man.  She made a point of screaming at me, calling me names, angry that I came back.  Beth had just left an abusive relationship!!!  She was perfect victim for a Narcissist.  She was fighting strong again, had a ton of anger in her and was fueled by rage.  Everything he needs to fuel his supply.  Little does she know I saved her ass.  Sadly, this woman once again is debating returning to this province to pick up her relationship wtih Mike!  What I find funny is Mike's facebook profile is open to the public for a reason.  The intent is to ensure that I see his page, get hurt at all these women contacting him, calling him sexy, watching him flirt, missing his kids and all the things we did with them, watching Beth fall all over him online.  I know the game. Its only a game.  Its feeding his ego to know I am hurting from it all.  I refuse to give him the satisfaction that it still hurt, regardless of knowing its a game.  Knowing what it is, doesnt make it any easier.

I showed up at the shelter, terrified.  Crying uncontrollably.  How can my life had come down to this?  I had a beautiful home, great job, man who I was madly in love with, yet I still couldnt admit I was being abused by the Master of Manipulators!!!  ME??  How did I fall, not once, but twice??!!!  I was so ashamed, embarassed, terrified what my next step would be.  Angry at myself for putting my kids back into that environment.  Now here I was jobless, homeless and moving into an abused womens shelter with a bunch of strangers.

Shelter living is not for everyone.  I was shocked to see how many women came and went in this place.  Women who were physically abused, mentally, sexually.  Women of all ages, some ranging from 16, one was 75!!  Women who have just left a spouse, or who have been running time and time again from the same partner.  Or women who run from one abuser straight to another.  This is what they are used to.  Over time some man left them with no self esteem.  Abusers are all they know.  They truly think they love their men and their men love them.  I heard stories that were horrifying.  Further, so many of them were conned by none other than a Narcissist.  I still couldnt believed that I belonged in this place, but without a job, I had no where to go.  Every day for the first 2 weeks, I cried daily to the staff at the shelter.  Each day was harder and harder to sleep.  I went to my doctor who put me on an anti-depressant.  I was terrified to get addicted so I refused to take it.  Worse, the stress got so severe that I had a horrible knot in between my shoulder blades that had locked up my shoulders and neck.  Headaches and fevers were constant.  It took 3 doctors to finally clue in it wasnt the flu.

I missed my kids horribly.  They have been staying with their dad full time since I left Mike.  My youngest loved coming to visit me at the shelter on weekends and we made the best of it.  My oldest wasnt comfortable so I never forced him.  Sadly due to government funding, the shelter only allows you a maximum of 6 weeks to stay.  6 weeks??!!  I needed to find a decent paying job, and find an apartment in 6 weeks.  having a timeline on your head and no job interviews is horrible.  Each day without a job was another day closer to become homeless.  What am I going to do, where am I going to go?  I applied for Geared to Income Housing in my area.  I was accepted for urgent status.  Great right???  Only problem is urgent status equals 2 years wait!!!  Unbelievable.  There is not enough GTI housing.  Now I could have and did in fact get accepted for a city that was 3 cities away from where my children go to school.  Remember, I share physically custody of my kids.  They must remain local, if I move out of area, I am responsible for driving them to and from school every day.  Well, now I was literally looking at a 1.5 hour drive each way daily.  can you imagine the gas??  Again, even with GTI, I would have been paying close to market rent with gas, food and bills.  It was pointless.

As my timeline approached, I knew I had to make a decision.  It was not an easy one, but one I can live with for now.  I have temporarily (im shocked too) moved in with my ex-husband, the father of my children. He was kind enough to open his home to me so I can be with the kids.  I cook, clean and help with them and he has freedom to come and go.  Its a win win for us both.  Temporarily.  We live in seperate rooms and try to be respectful of eachothers space and the kids are our focus.  I am desperately seeking that job so I can get my own apartment.  But this is the best for now.  Either this or live out of my very expensive van.  One day at a time only.  But I am with my kids and that means more to me than anything.  Not to mention I am free of his daily abuse and each day im stronger as a result of everything I have learned.